"Youcan'thelp it
You were young
And you were selfish"

Battle for the soul.
It hurts how much it still hurts to feel your hurt.

Love sees no color.

Now that I've awaken from my slumber,
I can piece together what happened to get me this way
You brought me back again

Mercy 10.19.13

The heart has turned
I strayed in my path
I was struck dead
I was killed
My house was on the way to Sh’ol
It leads to the halls of death
Death was calling!

Wisdom
Discipline
Morality
Obedience
Were thrown out the window
Traded for exploitation
Self-disrespect
Corruption

The voice grows

Destroying herself
I was destroying myself

That path leads to death!

Mmm how good that feels
Tickles every part of me
Except my soul
The attention provided for my pleasure-centered parts came with a trade
Heart grew cold
The pleasure stole all the heat from my…
Soul

Anxiety abounded
Wisdom was gone
The doors of my mind opened,
Letting in clouds of confusion
Murkiness
Clarity of mind disappeared
Exchanged for some pleasure
Leading to death

“All her ways are pleasantness
And all her paths are peace”

What was peace?
I lost understanding
I lost wisdom
I lost soul
I lost myself
Traded for deception
Cha-ching!
There goes another transaction

I know better now
He taught me better
It’s like I’ve almost drowned and come up to life and breathing again
And it’s not the first time to feel such a reset
Yet He picks me up each time

Merciful and gracious

This time I know better
Deception gently pounds the hammer on the rationality of my heart
That is anchored in the connection with My Creator
The Origin
The Source
Righteousness
Love
Peace
Everything Beautiful

Heart is being built impenetrable now

Don’t try us now;
YAH + I

Unstoppable.

Roots grounded in the eternal
The Powerful

Don’t even try us now
You have no place here
He has made His home in my heart

“Above everything else, guard your heart;
For it is the source of life’s consequences”

You have no place here
Flee!

YAH + I

Preservation of life
Shining ever brighter like the sun

9/23/13

Moral tribulations
Thriving sensations
Is this lust?
Is this living by the body?
The Spirit is to have overtaken me
In control by that spirit
But I got spirit
And he got spirit
Can we just merge our spirits
Framing in spirituality doesn't make it spiritual
Or justify the drive inside
One plus one equals two
Is true I'm one with you?

Moral tribulations
Combating sensation
Am I to avoid this place?
I still want to see that face

Clarity
Purity
Guidance
Take over my spirit.

The qualms of a first year teacher

Just to be able to take in the world
To experience light when I wake up
To feel like I was fully rested

To not think of leaving a prison the first time when we go outside of recess, providing us a break from the windowless room of our educational meetings
To be in the sunlight after work, not darkness, and have it feel familiar instead of a shy meeting with an acquaintance

To feel like I have time to exercise
To feel physically able to exercise again (this bacterial internal infection certainly puts that on hold)

To feel full of energy again
To give myself the best so I can be my best for them

To have enough to eat
To get paid enough to have disposable income to cope with teaching challenges
To feel I get paid what I deserve

One day for them.
One day for me.

-Miss B.

Teaching... 9/19/13

Teaching makes me miss me

The human condition
In the classroom

The teacher
Nurturing the human condition

May my teaching be a dance of joy
May the front of the room be where I advance my scholars where they need to go
And may I also export the feeling that teaching makes me miss "me"
May, instead of sleep-exercise-nutrition-balance-and-social-self-nourishing deprivation the classroom be a place where I am being me
To advance my students
And advance myself

May I bring myself into that place
Poetic, New York, vegan, lively, hip-hop conversations and manifestations!
Where teaching+myheart= their knowledge and progress
May they be free to be themselves and I be free to be myself
May we express ourselves as our bond deepens and connection grows
May we be one in that place where all our needs are met together
Holistic healing
For us
Equals.

6/27/13

Fluctuating emotions
Shifting desires
One moment it's the realest thing you know
The next, you're apathetic
One day, all the images feel dead
The next, they hit you with full effect,
Rebirthing passion in your heart
One day, the soul is deprived
The next, it is thriving with life and excitement
One day, the mind is clear
The next, it is full of smog
One day you feel incompetent
The next, like you can move mountains
Love and hate
Hope and disbelief
Courage and fear
That's just how life is
Full of fluctuations
Ups and downs
Struggles to maintain balance
If life is change and change takes time
Then it's all a process
The key is to create and enjoy the journey

:)

You are sick. I am over it. 7/21/13

In every way
To say you loved me
When you really didn't
My eyes disguised your feelings
With the overflow of my own true love
And how beautiful it was for me to see what I am capable of
And at this end point
See how little you're capable of
You never really loved me
Because two weeks ago I was in your arms
And now you call another your "lover"
You don't know what love is
And every standard you held me to you broke
You told me you couldn't love another
Or that
At least
It would take a long time
And you EXPECTED the same from me
Well who is laughing now
Who is the hypocrite now
Who is the one showing the other how much everything meant to them
You threw my baby pictures away
You threw photos away I'll never get back
And decided to keep other things that served you
I'm not even so upset with who you are
Because there are plenty like you in the world
I'm more trouble with myself
To think of how powerful my hope was it put a facade on reality
That I thought I knew who you were
And certainly it was who you could be
Surely we all COULD BE more
And I still believe you can be greatness
But where I went wrong is believing in your will to change
You didn't change for me
And the changes you made weren't enough to love me like I loved you
And it really makes it easier to let go and forget
To completely move on
Because there is no 9th try for that kind of treatment of another human being you supposedly love
Yes, I take full responsibility for tolerating the behavior I did
I didn't realize how sick it was
But now I know better
Yet,
Still,
Your "love" was an effort to keep me for your own self-esteem
Well, how is it now?
To think you were the one
To imagine myself in a wedding gown beside you
And I know many have had their dreams shattered before
It's nothing new
Or traumatic
You just never fail to surprise me
And I always knew I could be that person who is severely disappointed
But still,
You never fail to surprise me
You got so many tricks in the bag
It's endless
I should have read the signs
But you were busy taking an eraser and casting them away
True honesty:
Absent
Raw expression:
Had to be aroused
But you didn't know
And lack of experience was always an excuse
And I was the master excuse maker
I created so many stories for you!
I could be a master story teller by now
And a year of devotion to this love,
Gone
And you called me unfaithful for not yet casting off habits of the past
Faithfulness after two weeks and jumping into a new relationship
That's real golden
Makes me wonder how much you two talked before we last saw each other
Hypocrite.
Becoming official after one day doesn't eliminate how I used to be overnight
And I fought and struggled every day for that relationshp
I never owed you anything
But I gave you everything
110%
And that wasn't my bad
Because I... "believed in it"
And I had true love.

Let the reflections sink in
Move your life forward
Move yourself forward
Stop hurting other people
Stop using other people to feel better yourself
Deal with your issues
Deal with your past
Face your demons
Learn to love and accept yourself
Otherwise you'll never truly love anyone
What are you waiting for?
22 years have passed already
You are the creator of your own story.
Go,
Create something beautiful
Something pure
Something that is not defined by negativity
But that is recreated to show that you are resilient
Strong
and truly Loving

Go.
Create.
Learn.
And Change.
I want nothing but the best for you.

Simple:
We weren't right for each other

You:
Weren't honest about where you were at and knowing it wouldn't work

Me:
Not self-respecting enough to heed to the signs

Good try, Jess. You tried.

7/6/13

IF YOU FEEL CONNECTED TO THE DIVINE,
THE ANSWER IS INSIDE YOU.
ASK YOURSELF FOR WISDOM
YOUR INTUITION WILL MAKE YOU SOAR

NOTHING HAS TO HOLD YOU DOWN!
YOU HAVE THE POWER!
POWER TO OVERPOWER
POWER TO OVERCOME

DEMAND YOUR R-E-S-P-E-C-T
TREASURE YOUR OWN SOUL
MAINTAIN YOUR MENTAL SPACE
PRESERVE YOUR PEACE-
ONE OF THE GREATEST LESSONS I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE IS THAT
NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT FOR YOU

Point A -> Point B 7/6/13

The youth of children.
Got so lost
Got so distant
From the authentic me,
I lost my love for children
I love my interest in humans
I couldn't feel my "passions" anymore
To go from wondering why I was alive
To loving life and believing "life is good"

I just want to feel forever pure
I want to forever look at my reflection and see beauty, peace, and joy
I want to be happy
To have joy
To look at myself and see love.
Values.
Followed.
Light. Radiating from myself on myself:
Renewable energy

Celebrating how much I've changed
How much. K.<3.S. I've gained
Growth sinking in like relieved breaths

Clarity of mind. Inner peace. Powerful focus. Self-awareness. Consciousness. Energy throbbing; tugging to be shared.
A passion throbbing.
A passion for the world.
A passion longing to spread around and help the world.
A passion for LIFE ITSELF!

Text Messages 7/6/13

I get paralyzed checkin my phone
Waitin for the blinks
And when two
Full
Slow
Seconds go by with no appearance of green lights
My heart sinks
At the lack of blinks

It feels like losing again and again
Beats to the chest
Wondering when?
It'll come...
It'll come...
It'll come then...

When?
Well I don't know
So the only solution is to change my phone

The greatest rollercoaster (love)

All I wanted to do was heal you
Love you
Know what it’s like to feel for someone unconditionally
To break and go to repair myself
Then bounce back!
And love like nothing happened
I looked past the inconsideration and mismatch of words and actions
Left to make sense of what was truly meant to be meant when my heart was already bleeding
Game-playing to make me try to make sense of everything
I was a nurse to the both of us

Loving unconditionally is a full-time job
Hugging the phone in case affection was needed
Sending sweet-nothings that meant everything throughout the day
Considering two people in every decision
Feeling like my heartbeats were shared
Chosen attachment proven to be bittersweet
And turned bitter when the heart became cold from the pain
Nobody is a perfect lover
But,
Someone is a perfect lover for me

Breaking up to make up
Unsustainable affection
Tick tock tick
Those feelings will run out…
Now
Reawaken in the morning
Then die in the afternoon
And how grateful I am for it all:::

It taught me to draw every bit of strength I could when my spirit felt dead
How grateful I am for the opportunity to have loved like it was one of my life's purposes
How grateful I am I fell in love
How grateful I am for the gained understanding
How grateful I am to have experienced such a rapture of my existence
How grateful I am to have learned that everything was nobody's fault
How grateful I am to have learned to love myself (the greatest act)
How grateful I am to have gotten what I wanted
I have loved and lost but it was better to have… you know the saying
No,
I still gained.

Warrior lover for life.

"TEAM" 5/15/13

To say you love me
For me to wonder what that means...

"Love suffers long"
The pulse keeps beating
The clarity finds me
The rusty gates open and close and re-open again and again
We are a team,
Not individual identities trying to coexist
We must be a team
Break free of your insecurities, Jeskah
Untie the chains
True happiness is within
IT is internal only to you
Your heart grows in the dark
Inside, it is always spring
The vibrations continue
You are breathing
You are loving energy
Looking to partake in community
Looking to be in a team
The power of perception
Affects the choice of actions and behavior
Believe in the power of team perception
Not 'you' and 'me'
Just 'us'
Your pain is our pain
My happiness is our happiness
It is our life
I guess I didn't understand fully that you already see is that way
You've been rooting for our team
And I've been keeping track of our individual scores
I know you used to too but we worked through it together
Now, will you work through my insecurities with me?
Work to break down my walls like we did with yours?
Will you not give up on me?
What will you choose?
It's not easy right now but it may become easier
IT may just be better because we are better together
Will you invest in my happiness?
What great love is this?

If only you knew what I was going through...


If only you knew what I was going through...


If only you'd care.

May 27, 2013

Releases of feeling loved isn't sustainable
A momentary release is a fleeting pleasure
Instead,
The lasting factor will always be T-R-U-S-T and SELFLESS L-O-V-E

4/15/13 Relationships

There's enough in life that ain't fair
My relationship is an area I want to be fair
Where positivity is always there
A constant source to tap into and that overflows
World knows that's how it should go for me
Cuz you see, I walk my talk
I provide my own needs
I give
One day,
I shall receive.
I'll keep believin

Not knowing what's in a person's head
Yet
Just choosing to believe their heart
Choosing to believe they still love you

Not quite something else like the hand-written word

It's not my job to control how a person takes things
All I can do it have a good intention and think about the impact
It's not my job to pre-over think for them to think of how they'd take it
Surely there are times for that
But I don't want to over-think that

Incense

Lighting and smelling incense ain't the same as looking at a picture of it
There's something about actually embracing the life-forming properties physically
Instead of just mentally
Though mental imaginations can induce physical reactions
There's nothing like the real thing
Outside of a digital image
Text
Book
Email
Phone call

There's nothing like the real thing
Where all dimensions meet with our feet on the street
Or in the sheets

Virtual VS physical

vs real
In
every
dimension

Hip-hop:
though I’m in love with another now,
you forever the love of my life,
you dont have to take the back seat

Empathy 8.15.12 Bronx, New York

Empathy
The rawest of human experience
To feel what you feel
To experience your emotions vicariously
To absorb the energy of your pain
To have the same chemicals run through my brain
To feel released when you do
To feel pain like you do
This is the life I lead
And don’t make me feel more crazy
Than the world has already taught me “I am”
I feel what you feel
I am true to myself
Don’t tell me to be
Someone else

Sleep

It is when the night hits
The dust of the day has settled
The pre-sleep prayers are said
That the doors of my heart open,
the emotions and longings flood,
and I yearn for you.
If only we would dream side by side tonight
If only I could hold and be held in your body at the same time
If only the intimacy of your touch could be as near as my pillow
If only you were my Floppy,
that I hold tightly with affection

One day my dream of dreaming beside you,
will be a dream come true

Just "with time" 11.8.12

Just with time
The heart is supposed to forget
The space you took to
make it melt?

11/21/12

It's the moment when the coffee hits
Boom
Pop
wow
It's like that
Tie up your bootstraps
go forward towards the light
Positively so

12/10/12

What matters more?
That you check it off the list?
Or the experience of doing it?
Heart right
Priorities straight

Anxious thoughts 12/18/12

I want to stop thinkin the thoughts that give me anxiety
I want to have a mind that is free

Some people will look back and think,
"I knew that chick. I gave her a __ and she sucked my __"
As if they have ownership over me
Well, that was in the past
They didn't last
And everything I gave I take back
Everything you gave I use to build these rhymes
You're no longer on my mind as I'm living my purposeful grind

So I gave and took
Made your thing shook
To add more whiteness to the world
And one day, a real man's whiteness is gonna be the seed for my babygirl

12/13/12
And the pain of the fact is that I violated myself,
It ain't nothin else

HAPPINESS 12/18/12

Do you want happiness?
If you really want happiness get ready for the battle, get ready for the struggle, get ready for the pain
All the worlds rich will tell you happiness ain’t somethin to:
Buy
Find
Or
Possess
Happiness is in your chest
It’s in you
When you turn your attention inside
Not run or hide
But face
The darkness of the place that is you,
Work to bring out the light,
Then you’ll find happiness
Go through the uncomfortable
Put yourself out to be vulnerable
Act on the voice inside
Truly trust yourself
Happiness is inside you

It’s not something you can get from another
Or give to another
It’s something you work for. fight for. and pursue only for yourself

It’s not easy in this cold world
When your thoughts are possessed by the media or academia, your body, your job
But when you prioritize it, burn, suffer, and battle with yourself,
You’ll overcome,
With the treasure of true wealth and riches money can’t buy
Happiness is inside you

The journey’s not easy but the prize is worth it
You’ll get through the histories of hurtin you’ve done to yourself
To make peace with yourself
Then protect your happiness from everybody else who gets power and pleasure from robbin it
Gold’s gotta go through the fire to be purified and shine
If you’re ready for your own heat, don’t waste time
Happiness is inside you

My Poems 12/18/12

My poems are not about bein good
They're about being understood

You speak
I write poetry
It's how I express myself
And yeah, it's an art
For everyone else

It's shared to share wisdom
To resonate with
familiarity
To give us all more
clarity
In this process of life

The more we write
The more we can fight
And overcome the struggles for our children,
To have a better place to live in

12/18/12

Don't look at me for happiness
Look at me for love
Go to me for things to internalize
To learn about empathy
To not just let things be
To be supported by
To feel closeness with
To know realness with
To be like, "Oh, I can say it like this"

Peace of mind and clarity are my greatest treasures
And my deepest longing is to be understood
I have a lot of love to give
And am happy to take, though I'm used to small doses
Let's grow together,
support each other,
understand one another,
travel the world together,
share experiences together,
long for forever,
feel the bond of closeness,
support one another in realizing our full potentials
Real unity
You, me, us, trust

12/30/12

To change things, you got to first be able to name things.

1/6/13

Thinking something through precedes articulation.

1/7/13

Thoughts like razors to the health.

1/7/2013

And it's back to this again
Needin' a place to sleep
You don't know what you're gonna eat
And it pains you to buy
Anything that's not your bills
Or for your family
Struggle on
Stay focused
Pursue your goals
Have the courage to know you can
accomplish them
Stay in the moment
Handle it
Do what you gotta do
Preserve your clarity
and positivity
It will get better,
For the long run

1/10/13

Sometimes things seem worse than they are
because you want them to be a different way

Acceptance 1/13/13

That difference people
Want different things
That friendship means different things to different friends
That friendship looks like different things
For some, their preference is a form that is more detached than you'd like
Cuz the truth is, you want your lives to be connected
But some just want to tap in and tap out
It's nothing to take personal
Cuz the book of their life and definition of friendship might differ from yours
If they're not looking for the same thing with you that you are with them,
Accept and be grateful for what you can share
If you don't overcome frustration, consider termination
Otherwise, take what you can get if that's what you decide you want and have time for
People do change
And if you're otherwise looking for someone who lives out the same definition of friendship, keep looking
Be patient
And believe
You'll find each other
When the time is right
You have some now
Love them
And enjoy
All the colors of
Friendship

Images of her body 1/14/13

Images of her body have reminded me of what I'm capable of and inspired me to hit the gym again
What a beauty is the female body, so captivating, magnetic to the eyes, powerful to stir emotions

Modeling boosts the self esteem
It builds your confidence to know you are beautiful
It gives you something to fall back on to cement your perception of your beauty
That's nice on top of a partner who constantly affirms your beauty

Images of her reminded me of my beauty
It's something to maintain

Images of her remind me of my sexuality
Something to activate and exercise
When my man is home.

1/18/13

A person's trash might be another person's treasure
A person's tragedy might be another person's profit

Caffeine, I love you

As the caffeine and vegan baked goods settle in my blood
BOOM
I’M OFF
Do this, do that
I wanted to do that
I DO IT
And now I have the initiative to write
Makes me question am I addicted to this effect?

Nonspecifically life is good
And through a relentless pursuit of it
I AM HAPPY
I AM WHOLE
I AM PURPOSED

And I didn’t buy it off the internet
But it helped looking it up on the internet

And now I’ve been set off flying free for a while
And I’m out on a mission to liberate
So we can all fly.

Power.
Challenge.
Uncomfortable.
Struggle. [the word I thought for my original tattoo]
Adaptation.
Strength.
Resilience.
Confidence.
Letting things go.
Holding on.
Patience.
Love.
Justice.

EMPATHY.
REALNESS.
OVERCOME.
LOVE AND KNOWLEDGE OF SELF.
PERSPECTIVE.
UNDERSTANDING.
OPENNESS.
CRITICAL THINKING.

some of the most important words to me.