You are sick. I am over it. 7/21/13

In every way
To say you loved me
When you really didn't
My eyes disguised your feelings
With the overflow of my own true love
And how beautiful it was for me to see what I am capable of
And at this end point
See how little you're capable of
You never really loved me
Because two weeks ago I was in your arms
And now you call another your "lover"
You don't know what love is
And every standard you held me to you broke
You told me you couldn't love another
Or that
At least
It would take a long time
And you EXPECTED the same from me
Well who is laughing now
Who is the hypocrite now
Who is the one showing the other how much everything meant to them
You threw my baby pictures away
You threw photos away I'll never get back
And decided to keep other things that served you
I'm not even so upset with who you are
Because there are plenty like you in the world
I'm more trouble with myself
To think of how powerful my hope was it put a facade on reality
That I thought I knew who you were
And certainly it was who you could be
Surely we all COULD BE more
And I still believe you can be greatness
But where I went wrong is believing in your will to change
You didn't change for me
And the changes you made weren't enough to love me like I loved you
And it really makes it easier to let go and forget
To completely move on
Because there is no 9th try for that kind of treatment of another human being you supposedly love
Yes, I take full responsibility for tolerating the behavior I did
I didn't realize how sick it was
But now I know better
Yet,
Still,
Your "love" was an effort to keep me for your own self-esteem
Well, how is it now?
To think you were the one
To imagine myself in a wedding gown beside you
And I know many have had their dreams shattered before
It's nothing new
Or traumatic
You just never fail to surprise me
And I always knew I could be that person who is severely disappointed
But still,
You never fail to surprise me
You got so many tricks in the bag
It's endless
I should have read the signs
But you were busy taking an eraser and casting them away
True honesty:
Absent
Raw expression:
Had to be aroused
But you didn't know
And lack of experience was always an excuse
And I was the master excuse maker
I created so many stories for you!
I could be a master story teller by now
And a year of devotion to this love,
Gone
And you called me unfaithful for not yet casting off habits of the past
Faithfulness after two weeks and jumping into a new relationship
That's real golden
Makes me wonder how much you two talked before we last saw each other
Hypocrite.
Becoming official after one day doesn't eliminate how I used to be overnight
And I fought and struggled every day for that relationshp
I never owed you anything
But I gave you everything
110%
And that wasn't my bad
Because I... "believed in it"
And I had true love.

Let the reflections sink in
Move your life forward
Move yourself forward
Stop hurting other people
Stop using other people to feel better yourself
Deal with your issues
Deal with your past
Face your demons
Learn to love and accept yourself
Otherwise you'll never truly love anyone
What are you waiting for?
22 years have passed already
You are the creator of your own story.
Go,
Create something beautiful
Something pure
Something that is not defined by negativity
But that is recreated to show that you are resilient
Strong
and truly Loving

Go.
Create.
Learn.
And Change.
I want nothing but the best for you.

Simple:
We weren't right for each other

You:
Weren't honest about where you were at and knowing it wouldn't work

Me:
Not self-respecting enough to heed to the signs

Good try, Jess. You tried.

7/6/13

IF YOU FEEL CONNECTED TO THE DIVINE,
THE ANSWER IS INSIDE YOU.
ASK YOURSELF FOR WISDOM
YOUR INTUITION WILL MAKE YOU SOAR

NOTHING HAS TO HOLD YOU DOWN!
YOU HAVE THE POWER!
POWER TO OVERPOWER
POWER TO OVERCOME

DEMAND YOUR R-E-S-P-E-C-T
TREASURE YOUR OWN SOUL
MAINTAIN YOUR MENTAL SPACE
PRESERVE YOUR PEACE-
ONE OF THE GREATEST LESSONS I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE IS THAT
NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT FOR YOU

Point A -> Point B 7/6/13

The youth of children.
Got so lost
Got so distant
From the authentic me,
I lost my love for children
I love my interest in humans
I couldn't feel my "passions" anymore
To go from wondering why I was alive
To loving life and believing "life is good"

I just want to feel forever pure
I want to forever look at my reflection and see beauty, peace, and joy
I want to be happy
To have joy
To look at myself and see love.
Values.
Followed.
Light. Radiating from myself on myself:
Renewable energy

Celebrating how much I've changed
How much. K.<3.S. I've gained
Growth sinking in like relieved breaths

Clarity of mind. Inner peace. Powerful focus. Self-awareness. Consciousness. Energy throbbing; tugging to be shared.
A passion throbbing.
A passion for the world.
A passion longing to spread around and help the world.
A passion for LIFE ITSELF!

Text Messages 7/6/13

I get paralyzed checkin my phone
Waitin for the blinks
And when two
Full
Slow
Seconds go by with no appearance of green lights
My heart sinks
At the lack of blinks

It feels like losing again and again
Beats to the chest
Wondering when?
It'll come...
It'll come...
It'll come then...

When?
Well I don't know
So the only solution is to change my phone